I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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