So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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