YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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