he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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