After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
