I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
