How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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