I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
