well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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