Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
