i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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