So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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