her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Randomize
