They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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