u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
