Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
