She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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