I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
