You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
