My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize