true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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