Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
