Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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