is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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