Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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