; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
