I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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