There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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