so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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