please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
