i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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