now i know why i became what i already was.
even my farts smell like vagina
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
