My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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