Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
