I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
