My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
