i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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