break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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