i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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