His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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