I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I don't deserve a penis
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
