I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
