Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
