She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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