We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
two words: eviction party
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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