Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
