I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
