Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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