The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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