Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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