Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I want her autograph on my taint
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
