Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I supernannyed him into submission
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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