I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
