forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
