I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
