did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
