just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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