i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
