Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
